It’s Fall 2013.

I’m in New York City.

I’m a second-year litigation associate at the highest-grossing, top-tier, Big Law law firm.

And I’m on a work trip from our DC office, to second chair my first deposition.

If you’re not familiar with a deposition, it’s the epitome of litigiousness. Two sides sitting across from each other in fancy conference rooms with cans of Diet Coke and catered sandwich lunches and mountains of cardboard boxes filled with intimidating and overwhelming amounts of paper documents — “discovery.” (Or at least, this is what it looked like a dozen years ago. Now I’m sure much of this is electronic discovery. But the mountains of boxes and piles of paper will always make for better scene setting ;)).

In a situation like this, adrenaline is flowing and billions of dollars of exposure are likely on the line.

No big deal, right?

I also happen to find out on this particularly high-stress day that my then-boyfriend (who is the GOLDEN boy at this same law firm) is cheating on me.

I’m assisting a young, pretty female partner and opposing counsel is straight-outta-central-casting Southern gentleman (aka misogynist) and it’s a painful room to sit in for 12 hours straight.

I keep it cooly professional all day long. And at the end of the deposition, I’m somehow both exhausted and buzzing —with adrenaline and emotions — like I’ve had way too much coffee (which I probably have).

So I walk right out of that midtown-Manhattan high-rise office building, not to the train station for my scheduled train.

But right into Saks Fifth Avenue.

Within 5 minutes, I’ve spent several thousand dollars on a Louis Vuitton purse.

Yes, a purse.

Well, more of a “bag.” (A “work bag!” I immediately begin to justify.)

I’M EQUAL PARTS “YES! THIS REVENGE SPLURGE FEELS AMAZING! I DESERVE THIS!”

AND …

INSTANT REGRET.

Thinking to myself, “Gosh, American Express should really have a stress spending alert (like a fraud alert, but it’s YOU!) where, when you make a wildly arbitrary and wildly expensive purchase of a luxury consumer product, AmEx texts you:

“IS THIS ADDING VALUE TO YOUR LIFE?”

Maybe even…

“Shouldn’t you just talk to a friend or go to yoga instead?”

And that’s the thing about our coping mechanisms.

All of them give you that quick hit of dopamine or distraction or ability to tune out or glaze over or go numb.

They do the job in the short run.

But many of them (especially of the stress splurge spending variety) don’t do a damn thing to help us actually understand our stress or our hurt, learn to recognize its triggers, integrate its effects on our bodies, and help bring us back to equilibrium (or make better decisions in the future).

Many of them actually make us feel worse the next morning. (I’m looking at you too many glasses of wine at “happy hour.")

Comfort seeking is such a natural impulse.

Especially when we meet our edge.

You know this. I do too.

Those moments where it feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath us. Or we've just had it up to here, and we're set off or we shut down over something, in the scheme of things, that's pretty small. Or there's some sense of not-right-ness we can't quite name or figure out how to change.

That place from which we reach for something, anything, that makes us feel better.

We all have our go-tos don't we?

For me, it's usually crashing into Netflix and my bed at the end of the day. Or reaching for my phone every time I get that itch.

The next time you find yourself reaching for that thing or doing that thing you always do yet again — try asking instead: is this adding value to my life? 

see you right back here tomorrow,
Cath

Meditation: YOU CHOOSE. Stick with what you chose yesterday if you loved it. And if you hated it, stick with it again too ;)

Reflection: This comes right from Pema Chödrön, and it’s a spin on my “Is this adding value to my life?” question from the essay. Same, same, but different way in. Journal on whichever prompt speaks to you most.

“Sit quietly for a few minutes and become mindful of your breath as it goes in and out. Then contemplate what you do when you’re unhappy or dissatisfied and want to feel better. Even make a list if you want to. Then ask yourself: Does it work? Has it ever worked? Does it soothe the pain? Does it escalate the pain? If you’re really honest, you’ll come up with some pretty interesting observations.”

— OR —